


Reason to live

by MoveOnDarkness (AlexaAckerman)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Death due to an illness, Depression, Heavy Angst, Illnesses, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mentioned Funeral, Mourning, Suicide, cancer reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22094365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexaAckerman/pseuds/MoveOnDarkness
Summary: This is a story about Erwin losing his only reason to live. It was mainly written from Erwin's point of view.
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Kudos: 33





	Reason to live

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading since those topics aren't to everyone's liking. 
> 
> Thank you ♡

**Reason to live**

That is the reason, he is the reason, he _was_ the reason why I embraced every day like the sun the Earth on that one, hot day. On that one day, when I woke up and looked at his face and knew that the life inside him was entirely gone and my world came to a standstill. 

I had done everything conceivable in order to make the last few months which we still had together as bearable as possible for him. 

Every morning and every evening before going to bed, I whispered into his ear how much I love him, how beautiful he is, that he is my everything. 

Everything... everything he was, my reason to live, was simply taken away from me, dragged away, snatched away, with such force that my heart shattered into thousand tiny pieces.

I banished all the clocks from our apartment, the one in the kitchen, the other one in the office, his and my watch and the alarm clocks in our bedroom... it was nothing more than a poor attempt not to be reminded of how little time we still had left together. 

I wanted to run away, I wanted to cry, wanted to escape the torments... on his behalf. 

For him... because he was already too fragile, he couldn't even take a few steps on his own anymore, he couldn't... nothing, nothing anymore, he could barely breathe. 

When I held him in my arms, it felt as if his bones and skin would break any moment. He was thinner than the thinnest piece of paper, the hot sun shining through him, burning his skin, every single layer, like the unspeakable and boisterous embers which, ultimately, burned him to ashes on that one day, when I had to let him go, when I had to say goodbye and knew that I would never really be able to. 

I tried to stay strong, tried not to burst out into tears but as we all gathered and sat together to follow the tradition of holding a funeral reception, the realisation of having lost him, without being able to do something about it, the utter agony and pure desperation washed over me in the blink of an eye. 

I broke down, came apart at the seams, grief-stricken over his death I cried out his name, over and over, while my best friend tried to comfort me, but it seemed to be past all hope, pointless like the battle against your illness. 

And just like the rainy days accumulated, the days on which I wasn't leaving the house anymore, increased. 

I lost track of time, I replaced it with an emptiness that was bigger and deeper than the biggest and deepest ocean. I replaced my hunger with a feeling of numbness. 

But when there's one thing that didn't want to decline, then that were the tears, the tears which were bursting out from a dark well and left black holes on my face. 

And after I woke up, on a foggy, grey morning, because of another dreadful dream and heavy, dark tears having flowed in my already swollen up skin, I heard it. 

I heard a faint and timid voice. A voice that asked me: "Why are you crying?" 

But I thought: 'That's impossible! Have I gone totally insane now?' 

However, there was this voice again and yes, I knew it, I was sure about it, that it was his voice. His voice and an ice cold touch on my tear-streaked cheek as he asked me again: "Why are you crying so much?" 

With a low voice, I answered: "I'm crying because you aren't here anymore, because I miss you terribly, every moment, every second... because... I..." 

"But I'm always with you, wherever you go, I'm by your side. You're never alone. How could I ever leave you?" 

And yet, not even that had an impact on the decision I had already made. 

They found me, two days later, in my garage. I had hung myself. And when they found me, there was a photo next to me on the floor, fallen out of my hand. That one photo which showed us on the day of our wedding, on one of the happiest days of my life, captured forever on a thin piece of paper. 


End file.
